why do you let me stay here...?

monday again and i feel like shit. i hate the feeling of unaccomplishment at the end of the day. i never ever get to finish what i had planned on doing on most days. theres just too much to do and everything seems to be moving concurrently. even though the office is filled with people, yet somehow i feel so alone. the only support i get from the bosses is stress. i guess my heart and mind has really drifted.

finally the beans is spilled. i guess the bosses just can't whole their tongue any longer. they just had to know. well my somewhat detachment from the office and work was rather obvious or so it seems. the lady boss had been observing me of late... and realise that my work progression has come to a halt. as she puts it... "car engine not able to start..." i was rather surprised at the observation and how badly she wanted to talk to me about it. but it's hard to explain what i'm feeling. there is a reason for my current state but there is no real way of sharing in vagueness. but all i could answer to her queries was that i am ofcourse making plans... much like any other human being in planet earth. plans... thats life. making plans in hopes of achieving it. the whole setting was rather uncomfortable though very amusing, i had never imagine myself in this situation ever before. and it has come to a point of being in the office for a period of time, until the bosses can sense my difference. ofcourse i have not really made a great effort of hiding it, but still i didnt know work had been affected so deeply. but looking back i guess it has... because nowadays i always end the day with the fuck that... i'm going home mentality. this is actually a very bad work attitude. but really... though i feel so sincerely guilty about it, at the same time i just can't help myself. its horrible, because i really want to give my best, but i am unable to contribute further, and my growth in the office is stunt. the direction i'm heading... is perhaps not the direction i intend to seek. and when i generally will stop giving my best when i find sometihng that's not in line with my thoughts or if i think its just not right. i hate being stagnant and been put in a situation where i cant move. the more i'm put in a corner the more i would wanna crash out. thats just human nature.

so im taking this as a sign. besides theres just no way i can go back anymore. and the bosses' observation has served as a confirmation of the plans. well atleast for the first part of it.

so unprepared.