and so a new year begins yet again and thus my fourth year in the island. 201o was the year of change and self re-evaluation. and the year ended so pleasantly with the gathering of good unwithering friendship. as friends we begin to realised how much more we are to cherished moments. every spoken word felt like it would be our last breathe of thought and not to be taken lightly. it was a realisation that time truly passes so inevitably. a scary thought realising what has been done in the past cannot be erased but feeling of uncertainty of what the future would be.
its interesting to observe as the new year begins, the faces of people seem rather hopeful and full of life. people in general seem so fresh and friendly. i personally thing its so full of crap of how we humans like to assure ourself of a hope we ourself are unsure what exactly this hope we are looking forward to. most of the hopes are pretty general... career related, wealth, health, relationships, etc. but if you pry deeper into it, it usually tends not to go any further from that surfaced of hope. hence by mid year, many get tired and deluded. many faces turns black, taxi drivers are less nice and friendly. come year end people just want it all to end hoping to recharge and make a change in the year ahead. an endless cycle for most people. but of course there are others with a larger purpose and goal in life. you can tell by their unphased attitude which sometimes can be seen in their faces. but i'm no philosopher/ intellect to write and comment of such issues. in fact, whatever i just wrote is probably all jibberish stuff.
so anyway, for me it seems its about getting back into the designing. as in designing a whole piece of architecture and not bits and pieces of it. i realised that i have not actually done this for the last 2 years. and i am really very rusty. irony is that when i started out my working career as an architect. i told myself that i would focus on learning/ improving on my lacking of contract administrative skills. learn to how to handle people, write letters, documentation, etc. i told my self that it is THE true way to go far in life. in most ways that would be true, if i become a project manager or work for contractor. but then i realised and after chatting with my boss, what use is an architect if he cant design. designing is still the bread and butter of being a architect. and no matter what people say otherwise. you aint an architect if you don't/ cant design. after 4 years i realised that contract admin has become of my strngths and my comfort zone. i rather sit down trying to crack my head in wrting a AI/ AD. putting/ crafting words carefully together. during yesterdays mini internal design review with the bosses i felt so vulnerable and lacking that confidence in letting out my ideas as compared when i run meetings, solve site peoblems, figuring out how to deal with contractors/ authorities/ consultants, where i know what i want and exactly what i want to do. imagine that i used to dread typing minutes, now i type minutes to relax. i always thought that designing was a subjective manner and it depends solely on preference hence i refuse to dabble with much indepth. instead focus on the more objective manners of contract admin. but actually contract admin can be as subjective as designing. there is no one certain way of doing things as well. its also about preference and style. whichever method works best to get the results. it is an art in itself that not many people can grasp. but just today, i decided that its not something i would wanna be proud of although of course i believe many at my age are no where close to the skills i have. i will not be satisfied until i get the best of both worlds... designing and contract admin. to master both skills and be equally as good at each of it. i want to be... the GREATEST renaisance architect in my era. yes i am dreaming. but nothing wrong dreaming big i supposed. deep down i do feel that i have the heart to design. i just need to brush up that confidence which dearly lacks in comparison with my other skill. sigh. and so... i am sitting hear experiencing my first designer's block in a long time. feels good. hope it gets easier once i break it thereafter. i shall find myself a muse this year to inspire me, which also goes in line with my other resolution to get my plus one by November. the greatest new year resolution.
i think my boss is good in forcing to spend more hours to design and banning me from writing ADs/ AIs. i had a goal of issuing out 100 ADs by the end of the project. unfortunately my boss dictates how many ADs should be issued since she signs them. dammit!
